To my coocoo bird,
Lately, life has been hectic to say the least, with the move and all the stress that comes with that. Not to mention divorces and deaths in the family. But you, my son, appear to be unchanged- you are my light in recent darkness. You amaze me daily, and I see more and more of your personality shining through with every moment we spend together. Everyone says "he is the happiest baby we've ever seen, always smiling" and it's true. You have a smile that illuminates any dark space, and makes it impossible for others not to smile back, no matter their current mood. You are silly, full of life, spunky, and certainly sneaky.. And I love every piece of you.
The reason for my current inspiration to write my thoughts, no matter how disorganized or grammatically incorrect they may be, is that I am feeling overwhelmed. So much has happened in such a short space in time lately that I consider myself lucky to remember to put deodorant on each morning. I am overwhelmed with family issues as mentioned before, but not just that, it is the day to day responsibilities that have got my head spinning. Sometimes I feel as though our life is just made up of schedules, routines, and to-do lists... Leaving very little time to "stop and smell the roses" or go on a spontaneous adventure with you by my side. I am an adult now, and I understand the requirements of that, but I am also still a restless and venturesome soul when you split me open. I am constantly fighting the urge to throw the rulebook out the window, effectively shoving who I really am deep down inside. There are too many "should do's" and "shouldn't do's", regularly shouting "No, Brandi! You simply can't, it's not the 'responsible' thing to do" in my ear, especially with a kid. There has to be some balance, equal parts responsibility and adventure. Maybe I just haven't found it yet. But believe me, I'll always be searching. Not just for my sake or sanity, I consider you in all that I do my sweet boy. I want you to know life's potential, how fun it should be, while also teaching you responsibility and how to be a respectful man. You've actually stirred up this sense of adventure for me, that I had crammed down long before you came to be. I see the way you look at things, at people- so amazed and full of wonder. You are untouched by the cruel world, and I will do my best to never allow you to lose that, like so many of us do. Instead, I hope to give you room to flourish, finding joy in the simplest of things. Even seeking adventure in something as mundane as a trip to the grocery store.
Our days our numbered and it is my belief that they should be filled with a healthy dose of spontaneity and plenty of world conquering.
So with all that said, I am going to apologize ahead of time if my rulebook throwing ever has any negative consequences for you. Your Mama is just not the type to desire "keeping up with the Joneses" ..doing nothing but daily chores and cooking three meals a day, maintaining harsh schedules, or laying down strict rules and guidelines on how to live your own life. My hope is that one day you will find a way to appreciate that. Please try to. Always know my intentions are good, and I am forever doing what I think is the absolute best for you. Whether that means: choking out the adventurous young woman inside me at times, letting her up for air at others, or putting on my grown up hat when it is necessary.
I am not perfect, but I am trying.
Your happiness is my number one priority in life, above my own, as hard as that pill is to swallow sometimes.
You deserve nothing less, the light of my life & the fire in my soul.
Kisses and infinite love, Mama.
