The birth of you.

The first 7 weeks.

Today your 7 weeks 4 days old :)

I've started to write about this several times since your birth, I've started and I've stopped MANY times, practically wore out the backspace key on my laptop. How do I even begin to write about the best day of my life? There are NO words or word combinations that can do justice to the magnificence that was giving birth to you. Certainly no words coming from these fingers, from this mind. Every time I think of that day, I'm speechless (which is a rare thing for me to be, you'll soon learn). But I'm gonna do my best to explain the day. I don't expect you to read my words and feel what I felt, I just hope to express to you how much love I've had for you from the very beginning. And hopefully one day when you're ready you will get the opportunity to truly understand how I felt that day when you have your first child, there is NO feeling out there like it babe.

To give you a little background on that day.. Your Grandma and Aunt Ashley had been staying with me and your Daddy for nearly 3 weeks because you played a lil trick on us and the Doctors on July 22nd. That day the Dr told me I was going to be giving birth to you (ironically your Daddy and Auntie Franchesca had both predicted that would be your birthday) so MeMe and Paw Craig came up from Florida, and Aunt Ashley and Grandma Tara came over from Alabama in a hurry, driving all through the night so she wouldn't miss your birth, which ultimately didn't happen that day, SO Grandma and Aunt Ashley both stayed here until you were born... 17 days later! Trust me when I say that your Grandma REALLY did not want to miss your birth to have stayed with me that long ...your Momma was not exactly fun to be around that last month! I know... hard to believe right?! ;)

A couple weeks before your birth.
The pool was the only thing that would put me in a better mood!

Your were due on Tuesday, August 7th, and on that day I still had no signs of labor. I went in to the Doctors office for my 40 week check up and my midwife, Jaime, scheduled for me to have my membranes swept that Thursday and then if you still didn't come, to be induced on Saturday.

Since the beginning of all this I've expected you to come late, but I absolutely did not want to have to be induced. I wanted you to come on your own, when YOU were ready, and not when the Doctors deemed it medically necessary. While I was against induction, I was also happy to know that you would be born within just a few days. So I went home from the appointment feeling bittersweet.

In the days and weeks before your birth I had very mixed feelings about all of it, I'll admit. One moment I would be daydreaming of holding you in my arms for the first time or hearing your first cry, and then the next moment I'd be utterly terrified and overwhelmed with worries. Was I really ready to be a MOM? Would I feel disconnected from you once the cord was cut? Was I actually okay with you not being with me, in me, 24/7 anymore? Had I done enough preparing? etc.

Truthfully, I felt ashamed to still be having these worries flooding my mind on your due date, a big part of me just did not feel ready to give birth to you, and to be a Momma. Most women do all the wives tales to make their babies come early, I did a couple but never really gave it 100%, like I said... I just didn't feel ready. As miserable as I was, I wanted to stay in that misery, that's a testament to just how terrified I was. However, I so badly wanted you to come on your own without induction that I went ahead and did one last wives tale late that night. I did what my midwife had recommended to me earlier that day and broke out the breast pump. I pumped for 35 minutes with no contractions, I was surprised that it didn't work like my midwife said it would. Then I sat in your room for a couple hours, just thinking. I remembered a children's book that my friend Nikki had given to me called "On the night you were born" I opened it up and began to read it to you. It was the first time I had read anything to you. At some point between the first and last page, something changed in me, my fears drifted away and I filled with an intense excitement. I said the serenity prayer to myself and set the book down, then me and you had a lil talk. I haven't told anyone about this yet, and I can't remember word for word what I said but I do know that I told you that it was okay now, that you could come out if you were ready, that I would do my best to be everything you needed in a Mother, and that I loved you and couldn't wait to meet you, and I kept sobbingly repeating "It's okay now, you can come now, we can do this sweetie, it'll be okay my baby." I was trying to talk you into coming out, but mostly, I was reassuring myself.

The rest of that evening is a blur and all I know is that I didn't sleep a wink that night. I just laid there in bed next to your Daddy with my hand incessantly circling round and round my big ole belly as I watched the minutes pass on the clock. Once I did finally close my eyes and attempted to "shut my brain down" and sleep.... You had other plans. At 2:55am, a number that will forever be etched into my mind, I had my first contraction. After having a few more, I realized I wouldn't be sleeping that night but still wanted your Dad to because he had to be at work the next morning. So I went downstairs to where your Grandma was and woke her up. Since we had the false labor scare of July 22nd, I was hesitant to believe I was in true labor this time. I called the midwife around 4am and as I was talking to her the contractions intensified to the point of me not being able to talk during them. I'd be talking and then I'd just stop suddenly, and the midwife would say "are you having one now?" and the only noise I could muster up in response was a tiny weak little "whoo" A noise that I continued to make, and everyone laughed at, until I got the epidural several hours later. After about 30 minutes of that she said "Okay it's time to come in Hun." About that time your Daddy's alarm was going off for him to get up for work, little did he know, he'd be getting ready for something much bigger. As Grandma Tara got ready to leave and helped set everything we needed by the door, I uncomfortably and very slowly walked upstairs and informed your Daddy of the situation. He jumped right up into action, and we got on the road pretty quickly. As we were pulling out, all I kept saying was "My God, this better really be it" over and over. I was still considering the possibility that you could be playing another joke on us, but desperately hoping we would be returning home with you. Didn't want to get my hopes up until true labor was confirmed. Thank goodness we only live two blocks from the hospital! Contractions are no joke!

Once the midwife came in to examined me, I was having contractions every 3 minutes or so, and still making that silly "whoo" sound each time. As she examined me I began to worry that she would say 2 centimeters or some other ridiculously low and depressing number. My heart rate slowed in anticipation of what she would say, then she announced I was already at 5-6 cm.! You're Daddy made a happy "hmm" noise, and then I realized he was in just as much disbelief as I was. Although I was in some serious pain, my excitement was through the roof! Finally some real progress! I knew for certain you'd be born that day! The thoughts of excitement that were swarming through my head kept getting interrupted by the sharp intense pain of each contraction. I must have called the nurse at least 10 times asking about my epidural. Your Grandma kept telling me to relax when each contraction hit, but that seemed like an impossible notion at the time, it wasn't until a couple hours later when my midwife said "relax your mind, loosen your body" that I understood what my Mom had been saying, it definitely helped. It was all about mind games, drifting out of my body and into my mind. Withdrawing into a calm place deep inside myself was the only thing that dulled the intense pain. By the time the anesthesiologist arrived I was already at 7 or 8cm. So I did a lot of the work drug free, and it stunk, I have no idea how women do it without the meds, they had to give me what seemed like 8doses before it kicked in, and I could still feel it. Although now, looking back at it, I wish I had at least considered doing it all natural. I suppose I had heard one too many horror stories about the pain and therefore never gave it a moments thought.

You're Grandma and Dad sat by my side for hours staring at the contraction counter apparatus like it was the most entertaining thing they'd ever set their eyes on. I remember drifting in and out of a very very light sleep feeling contractions and seeing their eyes light up every time the lil bar flew up when I was contracting. I didn't share their amusement at the time, but I understand it now.

Hours later the midwife came in and examined me, and then she said the words I had previously been so terrified to hear "He's at plus one station. It's time to push Hun." And much to my surprise, instead of feeling terror once those words hit my ears, my first thought was "I wonder if I can touch his head right now"

....once my midwife informed me that wasn't exactly possible yet, my next ....and more logical thought was something along the lines of "yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! It's time" and "wooohooooooo! I'm about to meet my boy." As the midwife and nurses prepared, your Daddy and Aunt Ashley got up on the left side of my head and Grandma Tara got on the right side with the iPad ready ro record. I grabbed your Daddy's hand and we looked at each other and didn't say a word, the moment spoke for itself. Once everyone was in position, I began pushing.

I pushed for 45 minutes to and hour, much longer than I had anticipated. Your Grandma recorded the whole thing. And after looking back at the video I noticed that your Dad was grinning super big the entire time. He did a great job of cheering me on, he kept leaning in to kiss me and saying "he's right there babe, he's right there, you got it, push babe, he's right there!" Your Aunt Ashley had her head turned facing the wall, guess she didn't want to see toooo much. And your Grandma Tara was a crying messy ball of joy the whole time. Personally, I was trying to enjoy the moment but my mind had to be ahead of the present and thinking beyond those uncomfortable moments and onto the next when you would be in my arms. Oh! and eventually I did get to reach down and feel your head before you came out. I wasn't sure then why exactly I wanted to feel it, and the nurses thought it was funny that I had even asked to, but now I know that it was because I needed to feel the progress of your birth. I was fairly numb, so I wanted to still feel the experience of you entering this world someway, even if it was just with the tips of my fingers on your squishy lil head. If I had it my way, I would have left my hand there until you came out. But I had to use my hands to pull up on my legs as I pushed out. Each time I'd push you'd go a little further out and then retreat back in. The midwife, Gwen, said she saw blonde hair, then as you came a bit further out she realized it was brown.. which I realize isn't all that important but still- it was your first physical feature that was ever discussed or pointed out. ever. 

After what felt like hours of pushing and what I would call little progress, the midwife and nurses backed away for a moment and then slid a different table at the foot of the bed and got into their sterilized gowns and came back. It was then that I knew you were close. I'd hold you in my arms soon. It was really happening. I pushed hard a few more times, one right after another. Then I felt an increase in pressure and knew it would take one last big push, you're Dad shouted "He is right there baby, P-U-S-H-!" and oh boy did I! I gave it my all in that final push. I was ready! I bore down with all my strength and your head shot out like a canon ball, with you looking sideways to the left directly at your Daddy. Everyone gasped and the whole room lit up! Gwen said "Look at him! Comin' out crooked as he wants to be, sunny side up!" Which we found humor in because you're Daddy has lovingly referred to me as "The crooked woman" practically since we started dating. She then suctioned out your nose and mouth. I panicked for a brief moment, and begged you to cry, I kept repeating "please cry for me baby, please." Your Daddy said "there he is! Oh my God, you did it babe! There he is!" while rubbing my arm up and down rapidly, sorta nervously, over and over.  The rest of your body came out quickly, and then I heard that first glorious cry escape your lungs. The most nerve-rackingly anticipated sound I've ever heard in my life. When that cry left your lips and graced my ears, my entire body filled with love, joy, and relief like I've never known.  They quickly set you on my chest.

You looked right into my eyes and as I looked back into yours my heart melted instantaneously.  I frantically repeated "hi my baby" "yeah, we did it!" and "oh my goodness" as your Daddy and Grandma smiled and laughed and admired you as well. That moment was nothing I expected it to be, because there was no way I could have ever imagined how incredible and life-altering it would feel to look at you, feel you, and hold you for the first time. Like I said before it was indescribable. My soul flooded with euphoria and ecstasy and an oversupply of tears burst from my eyes.

Your Daddy cut the cord with what he jokingly described later as "preschool scissors." Then they stitched me up as I laid there awestruck by you, and all your magnificence. Your Daddy leaned down and told me how great I did, and how proud he was of me then kissed you on the forehead and me on the lips, and made a comment about your cute lil chubby cheeks. Just like your Mommies ;)  It was all so perfect, you were perfect. The memory of those first few precious minutes with you will now and forever be my favorite "happy place." I wanted to freeze that period in time and linger there for all of eternity. It was as though during all that pushing I had momentarily left the planet and in that split second when you escaped my womb and entered this world, I was reborn as a Mother.

A little while later, they took you and set you on a table to examine you and give you some shots (only for about 5 minutes) and you screamed and screamed! I felt so helpless, hated having you away from me, all I could do was talk to you and so that's what I did, quickly I realized my voice was calming you, and I felt better, it was awesome knowing that even though we were physically separated we were still connected (I know that doesn't make any sense to anyone who has never given birth). Once they were finished with you, your Daddy swiped you up and got all wrapped up in you himself, so wrapped up in fact that he had taken you to the opposite side of the room from where I was. As much as I wanted him to have his moment with you, I wanted to at least be able to see you, so I kept saying "I can't see him babe, Ryan, I can't see him" he didn't hear me at all, he was a too lost in you I suppose. Fortunately though, the midwife did hear me and she promptly ushered him back to my bed.

He sat down and I rested my head on his shoulder and we both gazed down at you in amazement. We talked about how handsome you were, you're Daddy kept telling me how good I did, and Grandma Tara said you looked like my Dad, and I thought you looked like my brother. Soon after that they asked for your name, your Dad looked at me and then back down at you and said "I say Spencer" so then I went through the list calling out each one of the four we had picked (Mark, Thomas, Kenneth, and Spencer) out loud to you, and the only one you responded to was Spencer, you let out a tincy lil cry once I said it. So there it was, Spencer Ryan VanOrmer (hope you like it ;)

The first couple weeks and still even now I've been so wholeheartedly wrapped up in you that anytime spent not admiring your perfectness, taking pictures of you, and caring for you in general has been spent only on eating and sleeping. Keeping myself alive basically. Never have I experienced so many perfect, flawless and precious moments in such a small window of time, nor have I ever been so disturbingly aware of just how rapidly each second is passing. I know that I'll blink one day and you'll be all grown up and I'll be left with only memories and pictures of a time when you needed your Momma like you do now, and that thought kills me. I do look forward to watching you grow of course, and I get so very proud of you each time you pass another milestone in your growth and development. But I also still feel the way I felt on that very first day, in those first moments when our eyes met, you have no idea how badly I wish to stay suspended in time with you forever my son. These emotions I'm attempting to describe are complex and ineffable. Like I said on the beginning of this blog, my point isn't for you to feel what I felt or to "put yourself in my shoes" but only to let you know how much I've loved you from the start, and that love will continue to grow and flourish over time, further than I can even comprehend I'm sure. I hope you know that dear, and will never forget it or doubt it even for a moment. You and your Daddy are the loves of my life, and I'll do everything I can to be the Mother you need in any circumstances or conditions we will experience in this life. Forever and Always.

“I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, every day we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours. And you my darling, will always be mine." -Nicolas Sparks